API - Assume Positive Intent
Social media might seems to increasingly tell us a different story, but truly evil people are a rarity. We’re just fallible humans, and we all have bad days and do human things that can often be misinterpreted.
Sometimes, we’ll have a client or colleague that shows up in a way that feels negative. We don’t know why, and it’s easy to assume they aren’t considerate/kind/well-intended/etc. It could just be a misread, it could be they are dealing with something you don’t know about (everyone suffers, and some are better at masking it). The conscious act of Assuming Positive Intent - shortened API - is a way of recognizing any interaction (including and especially those where the tone might be considered negative or aggressive) with the genuine belief that the person ultimately means well. It offers grace (and really, don’t we all need a little these days?). When API is applied - with express purpose - it can relieve/mitigate the additional stress and anxiety that typically follows such interactions.
It’s not always easy; dealing with someone who you believe isn't being particularly receptive to your kindness feel like tongue-biting challenge. But if you commit to this way of being, you get better at seeing what’s real and what’s not. And over time you will slowly begin to recognize the signs earlier in the exchange that the vast majority of these people had positive intent, and some of them might be fully unaware how their message is being conveyed and received.
Signs to look out for when interactions don’t seem positive:
Tone and body language: Misinterpretation can occur if someone's tone of voice or body language is misread. That ‘funny’ sarcastic comment you made about someone’s work product might be taken seriously if the recipient doesn't pick up on your sarcasm.
Text and email based communications: Avoid reading tone in any written communication, period. The lack of tone and facial expressions often lead to misunderstandings. A message intended to be light-hearted might come across as harsh or critical. I once went off on a “Reply-All” to my boss who cc’d others in an email that I found personally attacking only to learn it was a joking quote from a Jerry Maguire movie that, to my horror, everyone but me on the email string seemed to know… and then read my response. If you’ve ever corresponded with me, you know I love my emojis. I suspect they’ve been an unconcious help to me, providing little visual cues that helps convey my sentiment. A wee wink, a smiley face, or a high five can go a long way in articulating your tone.
Cultural differences: We in the NY metro area talk faster and suffer silence pauses. Eastern Europeans tend to speak more frankly and directly. Our different cultures and backgrounds develop into varying norms for communication styles and expressions in the workplace. There’s no ‘right’ way. What might be considered polite or direct in one culture could be seen as rude or passive-aggressive in another. If you are a leader of diverse teams, call this to your team’s attention, and take the time to cover the preferences of everyone on your team.
Assumptions based on past experiences: Both of you have past experiences that can influence how you interpret a current interaction. If someone has had a negative experiences in a similar situation you have no idea about, they might assume negative intent even when it's not present.
Lack of context: Without understanding the full context of what happened before a situation, we may misinterpret a person's words or actions as negative when they were actually meant in a positive or neutral way. They might be projecting someone else’s stress, mood or behavior in their words onto you.
Cognitive biases: Various cognitive biases, such as confirmation bias or the fundamental attribution error, can lead someone to interpret another person's actions as intentionally negative, even when they are not.
YOUR mood and emotional state: Is the need to API your issue not theirs? Is what you’re currently dealing with clouding what you’re receiving from another person? Your own mood or emotional state can color how you interpret others' intentions. When we’re feeling down, stressed or upset, we are often more likely to perceive negativity in others' behavior. This one can sneak up on you. One day a few years ago, I looked at the clock and lamented it was only 10 am I already had 3 annoying conversations. I thought about each one, and came to realize they were annoying because it was me that was in a sour mood. They were no different than they were any other time, but I wasn’t seeing that. Check yourself often to see where you’re at, notably in new conversations. This has helped me immensely, notably during the darker days of COVID.